


Learning To Fly

by qnuua



Category: Ski Jumping RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Advent Calendar, Angst, I think?, I'm so bad at tagging I can't think of anything else, M/M, Romance, literally it's just angst, with tiny bit of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-05 01:22:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 9,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16800877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qnuua/pseuds/qnuua
Summary: Robert wanted to hear a story, so I'm telling mine. Officially it's a story about how my dreams became a reality by accident.Unofficially it's a story about how much I hate that reality.*Advent Calendar. 24 drabble sized blinks of Halvor's story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I fear this is doomed to fail but I have to try nevertheless. I've had this idea in my head for quite some time now and writing it in Advent Calendar style seemed like a good idea to get the story started. This story will be in 24 parts, updates are coming once a day (fingers crossed I can keep up the pace) from now till Christmas Eve. The parts will be really, really short drabbles (I mean it, this time!). I will post them as chapters but they are not chapters really, more like short moments of the story. It feels almost stupid to post them here as the parts will be so short, but I felt like this was the best platform to post them on as I don't want them on my Tumblr :D PoV is Halvor's.
> 
> Once again this is written with the utmost respect towards the jumpers, no harm/disrespect intended towards any of them. I don't know the real people, and all you read here is my imagination. This is purely fiction and me playing with words and characters.

This is a story about how my World Cup career started. 

Anders says that that’s the most stupid way of beginning a story. He’s an idiot. I tell him that, and he gives me the finger.

Daniel says it’s really a story about Kenny. 

Andreas says no one wants to hear a story about Kenny. Fuck him! I tell him that. He says I’m rude and should respect my elders. I ignore him.

Johann doesn’t say anything. He’s sitting in the back of our van, too busy going through Instagram or whatever. 

Robert says I should shut up if I don’t have anything interesting to say. But I do. I do! This is an interesting story, it has all the right elements. And Robert himself just said he’s bored so here I am: telling a story to make this trip less boring.

They tell me to shut up, but I don’t listen. I rarely do. They wanted someone to tell something interesting, and here I am, literally giving them what they wanted, yet they still complain. It’s impossible to understand them sometimes. Most of the time, really. 

I try and try and try, yet nothing seems to be enough for them. But I don’t stop trying. It’s something I’ve learned, and it’s part of the story I’m going to tell.

Everyone has their own story. And this is mine. So what if it includes Kenny? Every great story should include Kenny. 

(Don’t tell him that. That’s too cheesy.)

Okay, here’s how it starts:

Once upon a time… 

No, fuck that. This is a modern story, not some fairytale bullshit. 

This story doesn’t start with a “once upon a time”, this starts with: _“Fuck, you’re hot.”_


	2. Chapter 2

It really did start with _fuck, you’re hot_ , but the statement was followed by some awkward grinding in the back of the bar and a lot of _should we really, we probably shouldn’t, but gosh, look at you, you’re perfect, but we still shouldn’t_ (mostly from his part), and that isn't interesting at all. In fact it’s quite humiliating that even drunk it took him half an hour to decide that he could have sex with me despite the fact that we were teammates and I was seven years younger than him. 

Anders laughs at that. I tell him to shut up. 

So. I’m going to jump straight to the sex. 

Every good story should start with sex anyway, right? Steamy, hot, perfect sex.

I might be exaggerating a little: it was neither perfect nor steamy. In fact it wasn’t that hot either. It was bloody cold in the tiny room I shared with three other guys during the first training camp of the season. I was lying half naked on the bed, and Kenny kept kicking the blankets away. I was freezing! And I’m pretty sure I was lying on someone’s keys. They were digging their way to my back. It was quite uncomfortable. 

Of course I didn’t say anything about it to Kenny. For once I actually kept my mouth shut and suffered through it. It was mostly fine. There was a hot older guy between my legs, so what if my toes where freezing? 

Also I might have been a bit drunk. Or like, a lot, and apparently my brain to mouth filter works better, when I’m drunk. I’m weird that way.

Kenny was drunk as well. Or tipsy at least, I don’t know. He’s bloody sophisticated even when he’s drunk, so it was hard to tell. He’s a normal, happy drunk, not sloppy and loud like I am.

The sex was – you know. As good as it can get when you’re both hammered. Definitely not the best I’ve ever had. I told him that afterwards, and he laughed at me, kissed my neck, pressed himself closer. It made me uncomfortable. I’m used to keeping people at arm’s length, and cuddling after sex is definitely something I don’t do. Ever. It’s easier when you don’t let people too close.

“Can you fucking move? You’re not falling asleep on top of me.” 

He didn’t listen, not at that moment. In the morning, however, he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

How is Kenny and me having sex on the first training camp of the summer season relevant to the story in any way, you might ask. Anders certainly did. Robert told him to shut up. He says no one should encourage me to continue. I don’t listen to Robert, he’s old and boring.

Kenny is older, Robert reminds me.

Yes, I know. I am extremely aware of those seven years between us. How could I not be, when it’s one of those things Kenny loves to point out at some point of our every conversation. He’s never rude about it, or condescending like the others are. He just has this very weird habit of mentioning it, kind of like he keeps forgetting how young I am and wants to remind himself of my age.

It’s weird. I thought it was a sex thing at first. I reminded him that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions, and he’s not taking advantage. Kenny laughed at my words, said no one could ever take advantage of me, that I’m strong enough to stand up for myself if anyone ever tries.

So it isn’t a sex thing. I don’t know what it is. But it’s a thing he always keeps bringing up.

These are the things he never brings up, but I’m also very much aware that Kenny is nice and polite and clever. And totally, totally out of my league.

“Oh, good, so you do know he’s way too good for you?” Andreas sounds somehow relieved. Isn’t he being nice again? Supportive teammate, he should get an award or something. Fuck him.

“Stop cursing so much,” Anders mutters.

“Fuck you.”

“Kenny doesn’t like cursing,” Daniel comments, and I almost want to throw something at him for reminding me. 

Yeah, he’s right. Of course he is. Daniel knows Kenny better than probably anyone else from the team. They are really close. It’s… whatever, I don’t care. They are allowed to be close. It’s a good thing you have close friends in the team. Friends who you see constantly on your free time and call all the time and do stuff with even during holidays. Friends who you hug and who hug you even when it’s not necessary. Friends who sit on your fucking lap and kiss your cheek and call you by stupid names. Love or honey or fucking whatever.

I don’t care, I really don’t.

Fuck Daniel.


	4. Chapter 4

Anyway, back to the story.

That was a good start, wasn’t it? Not the cursing part or the thing with Kenny and Daniel being close. Actually I should probably delete that. This is my story. Daniel should not be on it.

Daniel protests loudly. He claims he’s very important part of my story. He literally isn’t.

But yeah apart from that it was a great start. I told you, every great story should always start with sex.

Anders admits he’s intrigued. He was the one who made Kenny drink that last day of the training camp, so he takes credit for getting me laid. As if Kenny wouldn’t have had sex with me if he wasn’t drunk. I remind him that there’s evidence that says otherwise. We’ll get to that later.

Robert is literally trying to get me to shut up. He says there is sharing and then there is oversharing. And then there’s apparently me who don’t see the line between those too. He’s currently listing all the things he would not like to know about me, yet still knows because I don’t know when to shut up. I ignore him. It’s getting easier and easier every day: not listening when they complain about me, not letting it all get to me.

Andreas has pulled headphones over his ears and tries to block my voice. 

Johann is still trying to pick a picture to Instagram or whatever. I’m not sure if he’s even listening. I find it insulting and throw Daniel’s phone at him. He doesn’t even flinch. Pity. 

Daniel scrambles over me to get his phone back. After he’s saved his phone, he returns to his seat, saying I should continue. At least there’s someone who likes to hear my story. Although Daniel probably only wants to hear it because the story has Kenny in it, and Daniel loves everything Kenny related. 

Whatever. 

Right. Let’s continue.

Sex was a good start, but now let’s back down a bit.


	5. Chapter 5

The first time I met Kenny – 

No, not that far back. I can’t even remember when that was.

The first time I remember really meeting him though, it was at the airport in Oslo. I was on my way to the Four Hills Tournament for the very first time. Needless to say I was excited. I grew up watching the guys jump in the Four Hills Tournament. I still remember the excitement I felt when Jacobsen won the tournament. I was ten and I told my mom that one day I was going to be there too: jumping in front of that Tournament crowd. 

I was buzzing. Kenny thought it was hilarious. He had watched me when I spun around, it was impossible to stay still. 

“You’re new,” he finally said.

“I’m not new. I’m old,” I told him, confidence in my voice. I was old! Old enough to compete in the World Cup, good enough to be there. It was a dream come true for me, I felt invincible.

“Really? How old?” 

“Nineteen.” 

“Is this your first time in the World Cup?” 

“No.” 

“Oh.” Kenny looked bashful. Later I realized he was ashamed he hadn’t realized I had been around before. 

“Well, of course he was ashamed!” This is Anders intercepting my story time. “Kenny prides himself for noticing every new guy there is, he likes to give everyone a proper welcoming to the team because he never got one when he started in the team.” 

Oh. I guess that makes sense. It’s something we haven’t really talked about with Kenny. 

Anyway, back to the beginning: 

“I started in Lillehammer.” 

“Right. And how did that go?” It was a friendly question, he was just making small talk. Of course he didn’t know that it was a catastrophe. I ended up not even qualifying to the competition because I was so nervous I finally had the chance to compete in the World Cup. 

“Uh,” was all I said. Kenny understood. He always understands. 

“He must be the only one who can understand you sometimes, Granerud.” This time it’s Andreas who is intercepting. 

“Shut up.” 

“I would but that would mean you will continue with this story of yours and I don’t want to hear it.” 

“Shut up, Andreas, this is getting interesting.” 

“He’s talking about him and Kenny having sex.” 

“Not anymore he isn’t. Haven’t you been listening? It’s about when he first met Kenny, now.” 

Anders continues repeating what I just said. What an idiot. He’s clearly trying to steal my story. It’s my story! Mine to tell, not his.


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, so Anders has stopped reciting the story to Andreas, and we have now covered the basics: the first time I really met Kenny and the first time we had sex year and a half after we first met. The time between those two situations is not relevant. 

Well, no.

It is relevant. It’s just something I don’t like to think about because it makes me wish I could go back to that time. Who wants to go back to the past? No one should.

There is nothing to tell about my first times in the World Cup. I was around a few times before they sent me back to the Continental Cup. 

That was the season Kenny was shining. I didn’t really care at the time, as I was trying to build my own career from the Continental Cup. Work hard, party harder, work extra hard despite the hangover next morning. 

Life is great in the Continental Cup. It’s tough and the competitions are shitty and there’s approximately ten people standing by the hill in each competition. The competition times suck, and the travelling is hell, because we mostly compete in the smaller hills in the middle of nowhere. It’s far from glamorous and they pay you literally nothing to do it, but my time in the Continental Cup is the best I’ve ever had. 

There are friends there. Everyone has the same goal: to get a chance to jump in the World Cup. Everyone thrives to be the best, and it’s competitive as hell. But it’s also more relaxed, somehow. 

In the Continental Cup everyone still remembers how much they love ski jumping. 

It’s all about getting to the World Cup of course. But more than that it’s about getting to do what we love: fly. 

“Yeah, yeah, if you love it so much, maybe you should go back then,” it’s Robert this time. Fuck him. 

Here’s a secret for you – just you, this is something, I can’t tell the guys about – I am where I always wanted to be now: I’m touring the world with the national team. 

And I hate it.


	7. Chapter 7

When Kenny got injured the summer after the best season of his career, I was drunk. 

Anders wants to know, how this is relevant to the story. Shut up, it’s relevant if I decide it’s relevant. 

Okay, so it’s totally not relevant. 

The point is, I was not with the team in the training camp in Austria when Kenny got injured. I was at home, taking full advantage of my free time under the summer sun. Endless parties with friends, beer and sex. I was twenty and I was living my life. 

And to be honest Kenny getting injured didn’t mean anything to me at the time. 

“You are horrible.” Andreas again. 

“He was some guy getting his millionth surgery. Big news.” 

“Seriously ever heard of empathy?” 

“Is this story going somewhere?” Daniel asks before I have time to start a fight with Andreas. Yes, I’ve heard of empathy! He doesn’t want to understand what I’m trying to tell him. Kenny was a nobody for me at the time. I felt pity, when I first heard the news, but that was all. I didn’t know the guy, at that point he was nothing to me. 

“Yes!” I answer to Daniel. No? I don’t know. There’s so much in the story I can’t tell them, so much I don’t want to tell. Secrets. 

“Like what?” 

“Don’t encourage him! It’s probably some weird sex stuff.” 

It’s not weird sex stuff. I have no problem telling them weird sex stuff. In fact, there was this one time when – 

“Not listening LAALAALAA,” Andreas starts singing. He’s a terrible singer. 

Fine then, his loss. I could have told him some tips. I’m sure I’m better in bed than him, I definitely am. I’m great in bed!


	8. Chapter 8

The point of this – well – top secret information again, this is something I don’t want to tell the guys.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that Kenny getting injured opened up a spot in the team. A spot for me. And last winter I had a chance to live my dreams. 

Turned out that the reality of those dreams was horrible. 

I felt alone and lost all the fucking time. I wasn’t good enough to be there. All my friends still competed in the Continental Cup and the guys in the World Cup – they’re great. Most of the time. 

I think. 

They take it all so seriously. One time I was five minutes late for an appointment and they still spoke about my non-existent professionalism three weeks after the incident. Another time I suggested going for drinks after the competition and they stared at me like I was crazy and told me alcohol is strictly forbidden if we don’t have a distinct permission from Stöckl. 

But apart from that they are great. They laugh and joke around and go to dinners together – albeit they usually forget to tell me when and where they are going. They watch football matches together, but I don’t really care for Liverpool so I tend to go running when everyone else gets together to watch a match. 

Yeah, so. The time between me meeting Kenny the first time and me and Kenny having sex for the first time is not relevant. 

Because during the time between I went from being the happiest I’ve ever been to being miserable. 

And I didn’t get drunk on the last day of the first training camp of the season because _“It is what Granerud always does, and he’s going to be the first one to pass out. Drinking is what he does best and he’s not particularly good at that either”_ but because I wanted to escape from it all for a minute. 

And then Kenny was there and he was slightly tipsy I think and he was the only one who wanted to dance with me and we ended up making out in the back of the bar because why not. 

“Fuck, you’re hot,” he whispered in my ear, and fuck, it felt good to be wanted.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much of the kudos, guys <3 Hope you are enjoying this so far :)

I guess I just want to know if it’s worth it. Most of the time it’s not even fun. 

It’s not supposed to be fun all the time, says Anders. 

It’s worth it only if you feel like it’s worth it, says Daniel, and what the fuck does he mean? 

If you’re in it only for winning, it’s not worth it, says Andreas, and he should know what he’s talking about since he hasn’t won anything in his career and he’s already ancient. 

“Wow, thanks for reminding me.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

Johann still doesn’t say anything. Daniel is getting worried and demands him to take part in the conversation. 

“Hmm, yes,” Johann mumbles, and I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t have any idea of what we are talking about. His loss.

The conversations ends there. Even now they don’t ask. They don’t ask the question Kenny asked me the first time we met after the first training camp last summer.

They don’t ask whether I enjoy it or not.

I guess they just assume I do.

I don’t.


	10. Chapter 10

“Did you enjoy your time in the World Cup last season?” Kenny asked. Was it supposed to be awkward meeting him after we’d had sex? I don’t know. It didn’t feel awkward, he didn’t feel awkward. He had an easy smile on his face when he asked me the question, and was I supposed to lie to him? 

“No,” was the honest answer. Still is. 

It made him frown. 

“Really? Why?” 

I didn’t know what I should’ve said to him. At the time I didn’t know him that well. I knew he’d had about a zillion surgeries on his legs. I knew he gave amazing head. I knew he was a great kisser.

But I didn’t know if he’d be on their side or if he’d understand me. 

“Um,” I said. Fucking Kenny with his fucking gorgeous smile! I always seem to make myself look like a complete moron when I’m around him.

“You know you’re nothing like they told me you would be like,” Kenny said, still smiling. 

“They told you about me?” 

“Yeah, of course. They call every week with the latest news. I have to stay updated somehow, haven’t I?” 

“What did they tell you?” I didn’t think he would tell me. No one ever tells me anything. Except for how annoying I am. But Kenny answered immediately. And he answered truthfully.

“That you’re loud and messy and always late. That you take nothing seriously and that you are mostly annoying. And – this was the worst one,” he paused for dramatic effect. It was mean, seriously, because I was expecting something truly bad. That was what I was used to expect from the other guys, “ – that you actually support Bristol City,” Kenny finished, smirking. 

“Oh god! Are you in on their little Liverpool fan club?” 

“Excuse you! I’ll have you know that Liverpool is the best football club there is. Have you ever been at Anfield?”

“No.” As if I’d have the money to even get the tickets. I hear they are hard to get anyway, Daniel complained about it about three million times last season. 

“They are insanely hard to get though,” Daniel says again.

“Yes, I’ve heard,” I snap at him.

“We went there with the team once,” Andreas hums.

“Yes, I know that too.” Kenny told me all about it. He waxed poetic about the stadium and the atmosphere and how special it felt to stand in the Kop belting out You’ll Never Walk Alone with 50 000 other fans. I didn’t mind listening to him. Kenny wasn’t boring about it. 

I refused to watch the videos he offered to show me though.

There’s only so much that I can take. Even from Kenny.


	11. Chapter 11

We met a few times during the training camps in the summer. 

“Yes, we know all of this, we were there,” Robert reminds me. 

Yes yes, I know they were there, I remember. I remember every jeer they sent my way, every complain they came up with. He’s always late, he’s always rude. He talks too much, is too loud, doesn’t have any manners, is fucking exhausting to be around.

Most of the time they laughed saying those things, but I could still hear the truth behind them. It’s fucking exhausting to pretend it doesn’t hurt.

Kenny though, Kenny was different. He would tell the other guys to shut up and let me finish the story I was telling. He would encourage me to keep talking, he would ask all the right questions to get me ramble more. He would gently scold me if I was being too rude or patiently remind me why it’s important to be on time in the training.

He made me feel like I was truly part of the team and not just an annoying newbie constantly getting on everyone’s nerves.

The others, they teased Kenny because of it. Because he was spending time with me. Well, maybe that’s a wrong way to put it. Let’s just say he didn’t escape when I rambled about meaningless things to him. 

“No, he was definitely spending time with you,” Daniel corrects me. 

“I think he was just too lazy to move,” Robert hums. 

“Definitely too lazy to move,” Andreas comments. 

“No, but Kenny really likes listening to him,” Daniel insists. 

“Huh, really?” I don’t know who to believe. Daniel of course is the one who probably knows Kenny best. But Daniel is also the nicest one in the team so he might lie to make me feel better. Andreas always says how it is, and he has known Kenny probably the longest. 

“Believe me, Granerud. No one listens to you voluntarily.” 

Yeah… That’s what I’ve heard.


	12. Chapter 12

Thing is I really liked spending time with Kenny. Like…. really, really liked spending time with him. He’s awesome. Not just in bed but – 

”Seriously? Do you have to talk about sex all the time?”

“Unlike you probably, I have a sex life worth talking about,” I snap at Andreas. Just to annoy him more I tell them about the time we had hot, steamy shower sex. 

It happened in September. Or was it October already? I can’t remember. The whole summer was a blur to me. A perfect blur of conversations with Kenny and training and sun and Kenny again, always, all the time Kenny, who would look at me and smile. Who would greet me with a hug when no one else seemed excited of me being there. Who would laugh at my jokes and listen when I talked. Who would try to understand when no one else did. 

“You sound like an idiot in love,” Anders mutters. 

“I’m not in love,” I remind them. It’s just sex. 

So, the sex. 

Robert groans. Andreas starts humming loudly. 

To be honest I don’t really get shower sex. There was water in my mouth and then in my eyes, and when I wasn’t under the steaming water, it got cold pretty quickly. And I was worried Kenny would slip and hurt his knee again. 

I don’t tell the guys that. 

I tell them it was steamy and perfect and fucking great. It’s not a lie. Not a whole truth either.


	13. Chapter 13

Okay, so the truth is… The truth is the sex happened. It was imperfectly perfect and fucking great as it always is with Kenny. But there was something else, something more meaningful than the sex we had. 

This next part is bit of a secret: something I haven’t told to the guys and I’m not intending to change that. So let’s just keep this between you and me. 

Here’s how it really happened. 

Kenny was sitting in the front porch of the cottage we shared in a training camp. He looked like a sad puppy. That is literally what I thought when I first saw him. I was on my way to shower after my evening run. 

Other thing I don’t usually talk about: how much I love running in the evenings. Darkness makes world quieter – although the nights in Norway during the summer are never particularly dark – and I love that: being alone with my thoughts once in a while. Everyone needs alone time, mine is when I run in the darkness. 

Anyway, that’s not the point of this story. The point is Kenny was sitting alone in the stair looking like he was meditating or something. (Is that a thing? I don’t know!) I naturally sat beside him. 

This is how our conversation went: 

“You’re sad.” 

“Hmmh?” 

“I said you’re sad. Why are you sad?” 

“I didn’t know sadness belonged to your vocabulary.” 

“Fuck you, I get sad too.” 

“Really? When?” 

Here’s the thing: I hate sadness. I loathe the feeling more than anything else. It feels like a crushing weight on my shoulders, and sometimes I don’t know if I’m strong enough to carry it. The pressure gets to me, and I don’t know how others can be so strong. How can they stand tall, when I find it impossible? How can they handle it when it leaves me feeling worthless and so utterly alone? 

I wasn’t supposed to tell him that. Really, I wasn’t. I haven’t told anyone that. I usually avoid talking about feelings. Sad feeling particularly. Sadness is not for me. 

But Kenny sat there looking at me with that sad little glimmer in his eyes, and I ended up confessing everything to him like a fucking moron. 

He didn’t laugh at me. He didn’t tell me I was being an idiot. He listened quietly and then he confessed to me that there was a feeling nagging in the back of his mind. 

Everything was going too well: training, preparations for the season. He felt invincible. 

And it scared him. 

We ended up having a fucking mature and serious talk about our hopes and fears and shit. I usually hate those types of conversations. They feel forced and awkward, and I leave the room when someone tries to start a conversation like that. 

With Kenny it felt different. Natural. 

We ended up having sex in the shower later that night. That is the part of the story I told everyone else. This part I’ve never told anyone. Somehow it feels more private than the sex. 

And here’s another secret: I might have enjoyed the fucking depressing conversation with Kenny as much as the sex.


	14. Chapter 14

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. This is bad. 

“Stop cursing!” 

“Fuck you.” 

I’m not in love with him. I’m not. I just… I love spending time with him, that’s all. I love how he listens to me and tries to understand and doesn’t blame me for being young and annoying. I love that. That doesn’t mean I’m in love with him. 

I miss him like crazy though. 

“It’s kind of your fault he’s not here right now,” Andreas points out. 

“Yeah, we should’ve had him, instead we are now stuck with you,” Anders sighs. 

I can feel my blood running cold. Last year that wasn’t a problem. Kenny’s fall in that summer had nothing to do with me. I earned my place in the team fair and square. This time though, this year he was distracted, that’s what they all say all the time. I was distracting him, I didn’t let him concentrate. 

I was there when it happened, when he got injured again. Was I distracting him? Was it my fault? Does he think I only had sex with him because I was trying to find a way to stay in the World Cup team?

I don’t know. And not knowing is eating me alive.


	15. Chapter 15

Kenny got injured again in November. Is it a month ago already? It feels like yesterday.

To the guys I tell this: we ended up fucking the night before, it was hot and steamy and perfect again. 

They sneer at me and start talking – everyone at the same time to drown my voice, my story.

To the guys I don’t tell this: I don’t know how I ended up there, in his room, leaning against the wall kissing him. It was different than the all those times before. Our kisses in the summer and during the early fall had been frantic, sloppy, they had felt like a necessary step on our way to sex. 

That time felt different. The kisses were slow, careful, searching. It felt like we had all the time in the world, we had no rush, the moment was ours, and it was perfect. 

The sex later that night was different too. It was careful touches, reassuring smiles and quiet words. It was Kenny asking if I was okay, and me being too far gone to snap at him for his stupid words. They didn’t feel stupid at the time when he was carefully opening me up, like he knew it was my first time. He took his time, and gosh, I’m so grateful he did.

It wasn’t perfect and hot and steamy. It was slow and caring and stupidly felt like it meant something more. 

He didn’t run away after. Granted, it was his room so he didn’t have a place to go. He didn’t kick me out either. He laid there next to me, staring at the ceiling, and I waited for him to speak.

He didn’t so neither did I.

After a while it started being awkward the way it had never been before. I didn’t know, if he wanted me to leave or not. I started shifting on the bed, that made him look at me.

“Should I go?”

He answered by kissing me. Slow and sensual, it was quite overwhelming. Too overwhelming.

I left soon after.


	16. Chapter 16

We didn’t speak about the night the morning after. In fact, we didn’t speak at all that morning. Kenny was avoiding my gaze during the breakfast, he seemed distracted, and I didn’t feel like forcing him to look at me. Everything from the night before was too fresh on my mind. I didn’t know, how to be, what to say. I felt vulnerable, ashamed of the way I had opened up to him. I wasn’t supposed to feel that way, I wasn’t supposed to let him get to me like that.

My first words to Kenny that day were at the hill, when he was lying on the ground, cursing after his fall.

“Are you okay?” I asked although he clearly wasn’t.

“What do you think? It’s fucking broken again!”

And yeah, of course I knew he was angry and hurt and probably shocked about what had just happened, but he had never snapped at me like that and at that moment he sounded so much like the rest of the team that it made me retreat.

I let others take charge of the situation, help him, take him away.

I haven’t seen him since.


	17. Chapter 17

Kenny’s career is not over. Because he’s stubborn as fuck and refuses to give up despite all the setbacks. But his season is over before it really had time to even start. Stöckl called me a few days after Kenny’s crash. He said I was in the team for the World Cup opening in Wisla.

“Unfortunately,” Andreas comments from the side.

“Shut up.”

Kenny concentrated on getting better, while the rest of us left for Poland to start the season. The season that should’ve been Kenny’s comeback season. Instead he started it at home, while we were on the road. First Wisla, then Ruka, and on we went to the competitions in December. 

The nagging feeling on the back of my mind has grown bigger as the season goes on. This is not my place, I don’t belong here. I stole this place from Kenny, he should’ve been the one here. He is the one everyone wants here, no one wants me. 

I’m pretending of belonging, when everyone knows this isn’t my place. This is a stolen dream, someone else’s reality, and I’m lost in the this world that isn’t mine.


	18. Chapter 18

I haven’t heard anything from Kenny since November. Last time I saw him he was explaining to the paramedics what was wrong with his leg. He could name all the ligaments and tendons. I don’t even know what’s the difference between those two.

“He’s doing quite okay this time, he can already move a bit without the crutches,” Anders informs me.

“How do you know?”

“I called him.”

“You called him?” I didn't know we were allowed to call Kenny.

“Yeah, he was limping around the house like a lunatic when I visited. The doctor had told him to exercise the leg after the surgery. I guess she forgot she was talking to a top athlete. Kenny won’t do anything halfway,” Andreas says.

“You visited him?” I turn towards Andreas. He frowns at me.

“Yeah,” he says slowly, staring at me like I’m stupid. “He’s injured, not dead, and he’s still part of the team even though he’s not here with us. We had this conversation the last time he got injured, don’t you remember?”

“Um, no! I wasn’t with you last fucking time he got injured!” I snarl at Andreas. “Have you all been in touch with him since the crash?”

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Anders says.

“I drove him to hospital to have the surgery,” Robert states. “And back from the hospital too. He was fucking pissed of the whole time.”

“I called him when he had gotten home. He was high on pain meds at that moment, it was hilarious,” Johann comments before getting back to his phone.

“I send him a video where you are snoring,” Daniel smiles. I don’t know how that is relevant to this conversation, Daniel has always been weird.

“I don’t snore,” I point out.

“There’s proof that says otherwise. Kenny thought it was cute.”

Great. Just great.


	19. Chapter 19

I punch Daniel on the shoulder. “You fucking shitheads! Why didn’t you tell me we need to call him? I haven’t spoken with him since the crash.” I thought Kenny wouldn’t want to hear from me after the crash, I thought it was better not to be in touch. Hard, so fucking hard, but better. For him. Things were so weird the last time we spoke. But if there’s a rule that we need to keep in touch no matter what, that we are obligated to call him… Well, that just makes me look like an asshole for not doing that.

“He’s injured,” Andreas repeats his earlier words. “He doesn’t just stop existing even though he’s at home and we are here. You call him during holidays too, don’t you? This is just the same.”

Well, I don’t in fact call Kenny while I’m on holiday, but I don’t correct Andreas. If he thinks I’m cool enough to actually even have Kenny’s number, he can keep on believing that. 

“Yeah, but… I thought…” I mutter. 

“We don’t isolate him when he’s at home. We discussed this the last time.”

“I just said I wasn’t there when this happened the last time, did I?” I snap.

“Oh, right.”

“Fucking hell! He thinks I’m a bloody idiot for not calling.” 

“It’s Kenny, he doesn’t think that,” Anders mutters. “He knows you, he knows you are an idiot. We all know that, Granerud.”

Don’t you just love my teammates. Fucking idiots all of them.


	20. Chapter 20

So they have all been in touch with Kenny during the weeks, when I have been suffering not knowing how he is doing. I’ve been living off of the information I’ve eavesdropped on Stöckl. No big deal, not at all.

I think about pretending not to care for about two seconds until I decide it’s not worth it. I want to care.

“Someone give me his number,” I order. 

“You don’t have his number?” Daniel’s eyes widen comically. I refuse to look at him, jealously is churning in my stomach. I am most likely the only person in the team who doesn’t have Kenny’s number. So what? It doesn’t mean anything. I have never needed Kenny’s number before, we saw each other plenty during the summer. There was no need for me to call him, when we weren’t together on training camps. 

Granted, I sometimes wished I’d have had his number, so I could’ve randomly called him when I was bored at home. But I never asked his number. And apparently he didn’t feel the need to give it to me either. 

“Someone give me his number,” I repeat. 

“I mean…” Andreas starts. They share a look with Robert, a look that say that they absolutely don’t want to give Kenny’s number to me. “Maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t given you his number by himself,” he says. Way to turn the knife in my chest. 

Idiot. 

“No, come on!” It’s Daniel. “He probably just didn’t realize you didn’t have it. Here, let me,” Daniel mutters. A few moments later my phone buzzes. 

It’s a text from Daniel. With Kenny’s number in it. 

Have I said, I love Daniel? I probably haven’t, because usually I’m too busy being jealous of him. I don’t have time to love him normally, but I’ll make an exception today. I lean forward to kiss his cheek, I make sure to be extra gross about it, so he doesn’t get any ideas in his head. 

So he doesn’t think I’m actually sincerely thanking him.


	21. Chapter 21

Okay, so. This is stupid. I have been staring at Kenny’s number on my phone for a while now. Over ten minutes, nearly fifteen. I just – I don’t know if I really want to call him. It’s been so long, and things were so weird the last time. The team is around me, and I definitely don’t want them to hear what I want to say to Kenny.

“What are you waiting for?” Anders asks. “You literally begged for his number two seconds ago.”

“I didn’t beg,” I correct him. I never beg. Except once during that last night with Kenny in November. He was so slow, teasing me with light touches, when I wanted more. When I wanted everything.

“He’d love to hear from you,” Daniel encourages me, and why is he nice all of the sudden? It’s weird. No one is ever nice to me.

“You think?” I have to ask.

“I know.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, who knew Granerud could be so indecisive,” Andreas groans.

“Shut up. I’m very decisive,” I exclaim as I pick up the phone. There’s no way I can back down now.


	22. Chapter 22

It goes straight to voicemail. Of course it does. 

“Pick up your phone, you fucking moron!” I begin. Anders is quick to remind me about manners. I ignore him. “I heard we were supposed to keep in touch even though you’re being lazy at home. No one cared to tell me that before. Anyway, here I am using my precious time calling and you don’t even bother picking up the phone. Rude.” 

“Oh god, this is not good,” Anders mutters from the side. 

“I don’t know, Kenny might actually like it,” Daniel says. 

“Would you like Granerud calling you and being totally rude and inconsiderate?” 

“Did you miss me?” I continue, not caring about Anders or Daniel. This message might have been completely different if I hadn’t decided to call in front of the whole team. I almost wish I had called him privately. Now I can’t say anything I’d really like. It’s all about the appearance. “You know what, never mind, I know you did. You know you could’ve called me yourself. Why do I have to make the effort?”

Be loud and annoying and everything the team expects me to be. Don’t show any weakness. Do not show how much you actually care.

“Stop being lazy idiot and call me, okay? I know you miss hearing my voice so you can stop lying to yourself.”

“Literally no one can miss your voice, Granerud,” Robert mutters.

“You know, if you don’t call me, I know where you live. I might drop by. Because apparently that is an option too. Idiot.” I end the call before I have time to insult him more.

Fuck, that went well.


	23. Chapter 23

“Hi, Kenny, it’s Anders,” I hear Anders say. He has picked up his phone. “I just wanted to call to tell you that I didn’t give your number to Granerud. And I’d also like to point out that I tried to get him to be more considerate, but you know how he is. He never listens any of us. Anyway, have a nice evening. Call me when you have time, we all miss you. Okay, bye.” 

“Hi, it’s me.” It’s Andreas this time. He has his phone in hand, and he’s smirking at me when I turn towards him. “I didn’t give you number to Granerud either so you can’t blame me! Listen, I might have some time during the Christmas break, I could visit, if you’re up for it. Let me know. I miss you. Bye.” 

“Hi, Kenny!” 

“What is this? A national let’s leave Kenny ten million voicemails day?” I complain when Daniel has also decided to call. I hate them. I wanted to be special with my message to Kenny. Now I end up being one from the team, and not even the most interesting one as Daniel is calling too. Everyone knows how much Kenny loves Daniel. It’s disgusting. 

“I gave Granerud your number,” Daniel confesses at the moment. “Why didn’t he have it already? You have his, right?” 

“What?” I hiss. Daniel ignores me. 

“You’re welcome anyway. Listen, are my slippers at your house? The one’s that have leopard print on them? I couldn’t find them at home, so I figured maybe they are at your place. I miss you so much. Call me when you get this. Love you! Bye.” 

“Stop it!” I shout to Robert, when we tries to grab his phone. 

“I’m calling my mum,” Robert says. 

“Nope! No, you’re not.” I steal his phone. “No one is calling anyone anymore. We’re done now!” 

“Really?” 

“Like really done? You’re finished with your stupid story too?” Andreas looks hopeful. 

“Yeah, we’re done,” I repeat. I don’t feel like talking with them anymore. I have told them everything. Well, mostly everything. I haven’t told them how much I hate being here, how much it hurts that I stole Kenny’s place. I have hinted at it, but they don’t care enough to realize how much it really pains me to be here. This was supposed to be my dream, instead it’s mostly hellish, and I’m done trying to be part of the team.

I’m done.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! I hope you've enjoyed the story, thank you for all the clicks and kudos <3

This was supposed to be a story about how I came and conquered the whole world. It was supposed to be a story about my dreams coming true. My chance to become a part of the national team, my chance to live the dream and shine. 

It wasn’t really about that. 

Daniel was right. It was really a story about Kenny. How could it not be when Kenny is the reason I’m here now. It’s all because of him. I stole a place from him, I'm living a life that should've been his. I'm pretending, and everyone knows that.

I throw another pair of socks to the washing machine. I hate being at home. I hate that I need to do the laundry and make dinner and pay bills and do boring everyday things. But I hate being on the road too these days. It’s exhausting to be around the team all the time. Getting home this time felt like a relief. That only lasted for the first two hours before the reality caught up with me again. Being at home isn’t good either. It’s boring and lonely, and I can’t stand the silence.

When the phone rings, I almost don’t pick it up. Mum called me earlier already to check how I am, and I don’t feel like talking to her again. She means well, I know that, but her voice is not the one I need to hear. Her voice doesn't make it better. 

In the end the ringing is too annoying, so I have to give in.

“What?” I bark to the phone.

“Hi, Halvor.” The voice is not my mum’s. It’s Kenny’s. 

“Oh. Hi.” I wasn’t expecting him to call. It’s been two days since I left the voicemail. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him after two days. I wasn't really expecting to hear from him at all. 

”I got your message,” he says.

”Oh yeah? Did you also get the messages everyone else sent after me?” I’m still bitter, and I’m sure Kenny can hear it in my voice.

”Yeah, I did. Yours was the best, though. Even though you still curse too much.” I imagine him smiling as he says it. I like his smile. It’s always so sincere.

”Of course it was the fucking best. Shit, sorry! Shit! I mean – shoot?” Fuck, not cursing is hard. Another point to the list of things I can’t do. This is going really, really badly already.

Kenny laughs, though. Fuck, it sounds so good to hear him after so long. I mean – fuck it, he can’t hear my thoughts, I can curse as much as I want as long as I don’t say anything out loud.

”I’ve missed you,” he says.

”Oh?” What the hell I’m supposed to say to that? Quick, Granerud, think something clever.

Think something.

Literally anything will do. Apart from the one thing that actually comes to my mind. 

I’ve missed you so much. It happened so quickly, and we didn’t have time to talk about that night before your accident, and I really want to talk about it. I want to talk about it, and it scares me so much, because I usually hate talking about feelings and shit, but I want to talk about it with you. I can’t do this on the phone, I need to have you here so I can look at you, so I can see your face and confess how much I hate that I’m the one being there while it’s really you who should be travelling with the team. It’s your team, not mine, I don’t belong there.

”You still there?”

”Hmm, oh yeah, sorry, I zoned out.”

”Is everything alright?” Why does he have to be so observant? He doesn’t even have to see me to know something is wrong. 

”Fucking great.” Shit, I did it again. Kenny doesn’t seem to mind the cursing this time. 

”Want to talk about it?” 

Yes.

”No.”

”Okay.” There’s a long silence after that. I gnaw on my bottom lip and try to think something to say. Anything! Why is this so weird, it’s never been weird before.

”Why is this weird?” I end up saying. Our conversations have never been like this. I can usually come up with something clever. And even when we are talking about serious stuff, it has never felt this weird, stilted, somehow.

”Is this weird?”

”It feels weird,” I say. Telling the truth to Kenny has always been easy.

”We’ve never talked on the phone before.” Maybe it’s that, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that the last time I talked with him he was lying in the bottom of the hill, broken again. 

”Well, it’s your fault. I didn’t even have your number before yesterday. I literally had to steal it from Daniel. Apparently you had mine, though. So you could’ve called.”

”I didn’t know you wanted me to call," he sounds surprised, and yeah, Kenny is stupid if he didn't realize how much I needed him to call.

”I – fuck it.” Of course I wanted him to call, confessing that is scary, though. And he didn’t ask. He stated, and I don’t have to confess scary things if he doesn’t ask. He knows that, of course. He knows me and the way I think.

”Wait, Halvor, did you want me to call?”

”I – yes. Yes, I wanted you to call.”

”Okay. I will call from now on. If you still want me to?”

”I just said I want you to!” I huff. ”Do you want to?”

”I like hearing you talk, Halvor.” He keeps repeating my name. I refuse to admit how good it feels. I've been Granerud for the last month to the team. I think they don't realize I have a first name too.

”You must be the only one,” I mutter. ”So you don’t like, hate me or whatever?”

”Why would I?” Kenny sounds surprised. 

Say it, moron! Just say it, have it off your chest. He won’t judge you.

”You know because... Like, it is my fault you are injured.”

”Halvor... Please tell me how on earth did you manage to reach that conclusion.”

”It’s just something they said at one point,” I mutter. ”Literally they were joking, but... you know... that I used sex to distract you during the training season. Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. As if I would’ve ever chosen you to distract. You are the best one on the team. If I wanted to steal someone’s spot in the team, it would’ve been Stjernen, he’s the weakest link. But you did fall. And... it wasn’t because of me, was it?” 

Stop rambling, you idiot. Just shut up. 

”Oh god, Halvor,” Kenny sounds exasperated. ”The sex was amazing, you are great in bed, so great, and I’d lie if I said I haven’t sometimes gotten distracted because I’ve thought about the things you can do with your tongue. But darling, I’d like to think I’m a professional. And I know not to think about your dick when I’m up in the tower about to jump.”

He thinks the sex is great! I mean, of course I knew I am great in bed, awesome even, and Kenny certainly didn’t hide the fact that he enjoyed himself every time we were together. But he has never said it out loud.

Also: darling? Fuck, it’s stupid. I need to get the memo to the butterflies in my stomach as well. He probably calls everyone by disgustingly cute names. I’m nothing special.

”What are you saying?” I manage to get out. I need him to spell it out for me. I’m not trusting my capability of reading between the lines.

”I’m saying it wasn’t your fault! I’m saying you can be very, very distracting, but you are the last thing I think about when I’m in the hill doing my job. I’m saying I wouldn’t even think of blaming you about my fall. Or anyone! These things happen, and apparently they happen to me more often than they should because my bones are made of cookies.”

”They literally are,” I mumble, hiding my smile into my dirty jumper. I’m suddenly very glad we are on the phone, and Kenny can’t see the blush on my face. I’m seriously going to pretend the blush didn’t happen. I don’t blush! “So you don’t hate me?” I have to ask, make sure I’m getting this right. Kenny laughs.

“Quite the opposite actually,” he says. He’s quiet for a moment after that. “You know… I spoke with Alex,” he begins slowly, and I have to think for a minute before I realize he’s talking about Stöckl. I am not on a first-name basis with our head coach. “It’s not official yet, and I still need to check with the doctors but we were thinking about a possibility of me coming to the Four Hills Tournament.”

“To do what?” I blurt out and instantly regret it.

“To make sure everyone is behaving,” Kenny laughs. “To clean your suitcase probably. Just… to hang out with you.”

“The team?”

“Yes,” Kenny says slowly. “And also you. I miss you.” And there it is again. It sounds like a truth coming from Kenny, but it feels too good to be true. It feels almost scary to think about believing him, when everyone in the team has tried to convince me to believe otherwise the whole beginning of the season.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Can you maybe tell that to the other guys too? They think no one can ever miss me.”

“I can, if you want me to.”

“I – “ I don’t really know if I want the others to know Kenny misses me. It feels… I don’t know. Private, somehow. 

“We’ll think about it,” Kenny decides. 

“Okay.”

“Okay. Look,” Kenny says, “I kind of have to go.” He sounds apologetic. “I have an appointment, and I really shouldn’t be late. I really didn’t think you’d pick up the phone.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” I ask, although I almost didn’t. 

“I don’t know, just… a feeling, I guess. Anyway, we’ll probably see each other again in two weeks, right?”

“Right.”

“I will call before that, if you want.”

“I literally told you twice already that I want that.”

“I know,” Kenny laughs. “I just like hearing you say it.”

“Idiot.”

“That’s me.” He’s still laughing. “I really have to go now.”

“Then go,” I huff. “Nothing’s stopping you, is there?”

“Yeah. Bye, darling.” He hangs up. 

Uh, so yeah. That’s the story so far, the story about Kenny, and it feels good to end it here, with butterflies fluttering in my stomach, blush on my cheeks, and Kenny’s words ringing in my ears.

_Darling._


End file.
